first,
i dont know why.
but Lucky, as in the song lucky, NEVER FAIL to make me smile everytime i hear it.
and i feel like skipping and beaming my heart out.
shouting, "HEY! IM OKE NOW!" to the world.
um,how i wish that would happen.
well, it will someday.
BUT not alone or people will think im crazy or something else.
or,maybe i will.

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

-LUCKY, Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat

OH!
and as promised.

THANKS HUNNY FOR TH CHIPS MORE COOKIES! ;D

lain kali aku pulaaa belanjee korang semuaaa.
tunggu ajaaa!
haha!

did i tell you how i love to stay back for a while after school
to discuss on sajaaaak.
and talk about all malay inspirations andd uh, malay words.
flood the whole floor with bombastic malay words.
haha! ;D
Nadhirah, Azlin,Norryn and Hunny. (:

yesterday.
my group and three others went to Thong Keng Home Blue Cross (whichever the name la)
its across th street from my school.
haha.
i had fun.
oke.
LOADS of funnn!
i love my some what buddy!
Lee Keok Leong, i think.
haha.
and before him, Simon.
but he went to Sofia after that.
my buddy cuteeee gilaaaaaaaaaaaa! ;D
i ask him questions then later he will answer.
"TWO!"
ngan the peace sign sekali, macam proud gituu!
haha!
he loves number two,i think.
and he loves to count and smileeee widelyy.
well, at least he made me laugh.
and fill up my time there.
and i still keep his 'masterpiece' and the rest colouring worksheets. ;D
ohhh, and my buddy.
he loves to draw lines.
maybe i should scan it and put it upp here. ;D
yeap,lineees.
loads and loads of lines.
then i ask him to draw circle.
so i drew one on his paper, but he drew lines on it instead then grin at me.
haha,cute kan?
then i draw another.
he did th same.
then laugh.
haha.
um,now im wondering if he really loves lines,or like to tease me or just irritate me,in a nice way.
haha. ;D
i miss him alrd.
haha.

it was raining.
kindda heavily.
since my EZ-LINK card for some reason throw tantrums at me.
i decide to walk home.
something i swore myself not to do until th time is right.
also i did something i swore not to do on monday too.
i think its monday, yes,monday.

sick of choking back tears.
somehow, i just burst into tears.
still, i cant find another alternative.
thnks whoever who is there. (:

oke.
as i was saying.
i swore myself i wont walk home via 'that route' until im ready
or the time is right.
well,its for my own good kan? (:

but i still did it.
it was nice.
walking in the rain.
feeling the rain on my skin.
the soothing feeling,
that satisfy my urge to just wash away,
drain all the memories i haddd there,and then.
since th path,it was quiet.
and the rain,was heavy.
i just walk,thinking, reminiscing.
and suddenly it all rolls down.
but it stopped eventually.
i knew,somehow,deep inside.
i have to move on.
i have to seek my own happiness.
i have to forget every single piece of memory of him i have with me.
well except for his name and existance in this world.

somehow,maybe, he wants me to be happy and move on.
maybe he hates to see me hurt and stuff.
hey,i hope you're doing fine.
because i am.
and im sorry for whatever i post about you.
you know how i lose myself to emotions,right?
im sorry.

and surprisingly.
after all those.
i feel so light-hearted.
oh and tiredddd! ;D
the moment im home,bathed and changed.
i crashed to my bedd and slept.
haha eventhough its 5 plus alrd! ;D
and woke up ard seven(?)
haha!

leave it all behind.
move along.

today.
um.
it was nice. ;D

started off the day by going to Jurong Point with
Nadhirah,Nadhilah,Sofia.
haha,kita ni plan nak jumpa at 9:30 am tau!
ye ye ajaaa!
abeh sekali.
this girl over here,woke up at 9:30 am!
haha!
siapsiap and stuffs.
met them at MACDONALDS! :D
i kindda got lost when i went in Jurong Point.
because i got kindda confuse where is the new and where is the old building
and how to get to th old building andd all.
so it like hunting for MACD at Jurong Point.
search for Azlin's birthday present.
and met Aini after that. ;D

we then head to Chinese garden after buying pizzas. ;D
and while waiting for Khairul, Hafiz and Fathil,
me and Nadhirah played the guitar.
while th rest did th present.
k,most of th time i was stuck to mine.
haha ;D
it rained.
and me and nadhirah actually played on the rain! :D
haha. it was FUN!
while waiting for Azlin, kita gi ambil gambar nonsense and all.
overall, celebration was great.

i just came back from SGH.
i accompanied my grand mother there after the celebration.
went home and changed and siap siap and stuffs like that ;D
it was nice.
just me and my grandmother. :D
it was kindda boring since we were there for almost 3 hours?
haha!
visit my aun.
talk a little.
and things like that.
walk around there and all.
train-ed home.
and here i AM.
blogging.
and entertaining syairazi.
haha.
best ke pe.
suddenly both of us boreddd.
haha.

"maklum la, heart beru kena campak dari petronas towers!"

haha.
nonsense talk ngan dia, DUH! ;D

seriously now.
i suddenly lose my mood to blog.

until whenever then.

now im finally proud to SCREAM.
SCREAM k?
noy say tauuu!
SCREAM.

JURONGVILLE SECONDARY SCHOOL
National Police Cadet Corps [NPCC]
is now
a FREAKING GOLD UNIT! :D

*beams wideeeeeeeeeeeeeely.

im so proud of it!
because im part of it :D
(beams proudly)

i freaking hate mood swings.
beacuse im kept on having one nowadays.
and it seriously SWINGS y'know.
i just burst (k,not really)
just throw tantrums and show attitude.
uhhhhhhhhh!
this time of the month uhhh!

so im sorry if one way or another i hurt you people via my
stupidd mood swings. :D
especially.
SOFIA AINI! :D
omg girl.
only GOD knows how much i love you.

him wasnt there during training just now.
and i just, i d k.
just miss him, i guess.

hah.
i cnt really believe that sofia dont really like to see me like this every friday.
i cnt help it darlinggg. D:

so,i miss him.
and still,im hoping and dreaming that
one fine day.
him will talk to me.
we will have a decent talk.
and have a laugh.
a joke or two.
just a decent chat.
its been a while.

do i sound THAT desperate?
or maybe, i just cant move on that fast
like how i used to.
this things takes time.
loads of time.

im alone at home now.
and im bored.
because mum and dad.
they went to Penang.
until Sunday night.
and my sister got some camp at her school.
i an only with my grandparents now.
and im lonely.

i miss my sister.
Syarifah Syazanatul Aisyah.
i miss sharing my problems with her.
crying my hearts out.
pouring all my feelings.
venting everything to her.
and she will just listen.
and give stupid comments or remarks and make me smile.
i love her the best. ;D

please come home fast,sister.
i miss you.
and i need you now like drugggg.

Let me tell you a little stupid story.
about me and my lovely sister, aisyah. :D

two days ago.
i came home from school, all tired and mentally beat.
i had a bath change and have dinner.
mum and dad was not home yet.
and its ard 9pm.
Aisyah was sick.
and she was losing her voice that day.
she was on MC b t w.
i was stressed.
therefore,i kept on moaning.
"I MISS HIM...i miss him...i really miss him aisyah" while rolling on th bed.
trying to hide my tears with my Spongebob.
But, i could not fool her,because in fact she is my sister.
she knows me inside out.
She throws a pillow at me and said,
"Stop it hanna. i hate you like this. move on mann!"
I just continued moaning and trying very hard to not sound like i was crying.
i failed to deceive her.
and she found out i was crying.
"call him, talk to him" she said while sms-ing someone.
"he aint replying my messages!" i growled.
"do you think he got pissed and is trying to ignore and avoid me?" i continued.
"now,where did that idea came from? I dont think he is avoiding you,hanna. Cheer up" she sighed.
i brought myself together and jump off the bed.
thereafter, sat on the chair to use the computer.
and this is when.
the "DIS-STRESSING SESSION" with my yonger sister starts.
it was funnn.
we sangggg.
k we literally SHOUT at all the songs we played.
k,i was mainly th only one shouting to
Check yes Juliet.
Dear maria and
Fireworks.
haha.
my sister losing her voice so she just sang monotonously. ;D
but i finnally got her shouting with me with all the actions to Fireworks. ;D
haha.
it was nice.
we laughed so harddd that i cried.
and at the end of it all, i grew tired.
and this thing called "stress" suddenly dissapear.
and all she said was, "im so gonna lose my voice hanna. thnks to you"
haha.
i love dis-stressing session with her.
and now, she isnt here.
its hard to dis-stress. D:

if only i can hug my sister and kiss her.
but you know her.
she wont allow you too.
including me!
ME!
her very own older sister! ;D
whenever i trried she would either push me away
or slap my face.
IF she got th mood to be kissed,
she will just give me 3 seconds(?)
haha! ;D

cute huh?

i miss Syarifah Syazanatul Aisyah.
and
i miss HIM.

i cnt wait fr tmr! :D
omfg!

Dulu kau pernah berkata,
Cinta kita tidak akan putus di tengah.

Dulu kau pernah berkata,
Hanya diriku yang bertakhta di sanubari mu.

Dulu kau pernah berkata,
Dirimu akan setia,
dirimu tidak akan berubah.

Dulu kau pernah berkata,
Walau onak berduri,
arus cabaran begitu kejam,
kita akan tetap tempuhi,
tanpa melepaskan diri ini.

Dulu kau pernah berkata,
Cinta ini akan sampai atas mahligai
yang bahagia.

Dulu kau pernah berkata...
PERNAH berkata...
PERNAH...

Kini aku sendiri,
hilang tanpa arah tuju
hilang tanpa dirimu.

Kini aku sendiri,
melalui liku-liku kehidupan
serta ketidakadilan dunia ini, diri ini.

Kini aku sendiri,
menagih cintamu yang masih belum pasti,
untuk insan ini memiliki.

Kini aku sendiri,
diteggelami memori-memori indah bersamamu
ditelan kesedihan
dihimpit kepasrahan
dibuai keperitan
dicengkam kecemburuan
dihantui kerinduan.

Kini aku sendiri,
tanpa dirimu di sisi,
dan tanpa kebahagiaan.
yang kian dirampas dan dihancurkan.

Kini aku sendiri...
AKU sendiri...
aku BERSENDIRIAN...

im CRUSHED! D:
like supersupersuper crushedddd.

got our verification slip just now for O's.
28 October, which happens to be my super sweet sixteeeeeeen.
SUPER SWEEEEET SIXTEEEEEEEEN!
is the O levels Maths Paper twoooo! D:
awwwwe~
tak leh celebrateeeeee!
maybe after ecause i dont remember a paper after that.
haha!
on a lighter note.
MAYBE LADY LUCK WILL BE BY MY SIDEE! (:
andddd theeeeeeeen!
i will pass my math.
*prays veryveryveryveryvery harddddd.

actually,
im not supposed to blog y'know.
seriously.
my body doesnt feel TOO good D:
so i should just lay down on my bed and do homeworks!
OH!
talking about homeworks,
i have cleared all the maths homework i owed Mrs Neo (:
and im very proud of that.
veryveryveryvery proud. (:
and i realise, listening to her lessons isnt that badd after all.
only that she gets distracted easily by the students who make noise.
haha.

nowadays,
i just feel like laying down on my beddd.
and just cryyy myself to sleep.
or just lay down and ignore whatever is happening around me.
maybe i need to find peace,huh?
life's been a little demanding nowadays.
but at least each week i have like a day whereby i have no remedials and CCAs.
like this week, its odd week.
and thursday, is th only day of th week i have NO activities after school.
and on even week, it will be monday.
and the rest.
remedials,remedial,practicals,CCAs and stuffs like that.
but it seriously isnt a waste of time. (:
i'll make sure it is all worthwhile
all the time spent and all.
y'know.
like ummmmm.
doing superduper freaking well for O Levels. :D
a day where im gonna beam at myself.
being proud and satisfied.
and at the same time, see a bright future ahead of me.
i cant really describe th feeling now,actually. =X
lets just wait and see.

my life like few days ago.
its a DOWNER.
like im so tired, lethargic.
and i simply have no mood to do stuffs.
plus the mood swings that will simply take control of me.
and i hate that.
because Sofiaaaa have to put up with it.
either way, we still laughed at each other at th end of th day. :D

andd all other lovelies who actually somehow, one way or another just simply make me smile
or maybe.
or maybe.
just talk to me. :D
haha.

i miss him badddly. D:
and now i just wish for a minute, an hour, a day spend with him.
or an hour or two just talking to him on th phone and suchh.
im not really hoping that baddly, this will happen.
but it isnt wrong to hope and wish it will come true.
afterall,
i DO believe in miracles and BIG dreams come true.

I HAD FUN ON 14 FEBRUARYYY! :D
haha.
i wish the night would never enddd.
beacuse kan its full of laughters uhhh.
serious,serious.
every second of it is lovedddddd.
and thnks Syiqs fr th treat ehhh.
anddd i wish there will be plenty of this kind of outinggg.
only that jangan la samapi malammalam sangat.
hahaha.
and girls, thnks for the huggg! :D
it actually make me feel better.
as usual, my darlingggs of 4D
never fail to make me laugh macam nyonya gilerrrrr. :D
its too fun that im so lazy to elaborateeeeeee.
tengok la,si pemalas nihhh.

abeeee tadi gi jemputann kat bukit batok.
and the venue of this wedding reception is so so so so so deep deep deep deep
inside of bukit batok.
like really deeeeep that.
only ONE bus drive pass thereee.
so when we go there, we took a cab.
but when we went home, we waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalk like marathon to th 66 bus stop after the Westmall bustop thereeee.
haha,imagine thaat.
its like a thirty minutes plusplus.
haha.
then,got inside jokeee uhhh with my sisterrrr.

"wahhhhh.akhirnya sampai bukit batok nya bus stop ehhh! ingatkan da kat marine parade!"
andddddddd.
"rasa macam kat bukit gombak pulaaaaaaak!"
*padahal masih kat bukit batok uhhh!)
haha.
then throught out buat jokes ngan my sister.
abe got one incident at the carpark.
my adik ter-tripped on on a tree branch.
those thin ones with a few branches sticking out.
then and a nearby block got a group of malay guysss lagi leapklepak uhh.
abe i thought no body so i pick it up.
and act like some kind of mum chasing after her daughter with a caneee.
abe when i turn to my right.
i just saw the group of malay guys staring at me.
and some even standing up(?)
alamak,paisehhh uhhh!
i threw the stick down and act like super elegant uhh,macam wanita melayu terakhir uhh!
(padahal.padahal)
haha,paisehhh oiii! D:
oke,still cant stop thinking and laughing about it. xD

Are you even listening when I talk to you?
Do you even care what I'm going through?
Your eyes stare and they're staring right through me
You're right there but it's like you never knew me

-revenge is sweeter (than you ever were), the veronicas

i d k, but part of me yesterday doesnt feel like going out.
because what i saw was expected.
and it really hurts.
i cant believe i just broke down in front
of the world.
i was holding back the whole time.
maybe i just cnt take it any longer.
and i started to wonder.
why is it so hardddd?
to forget everything and move on.
when i used to face this.
am i not stronger any more?
when i used to believe,
i grew stronger with every tears i cried.
dont you see.
im brokennn.

still,whats th use?
when you simply show you dont even careee.
maybe you do.
maybe im so full of myself.
maybe i just want you to just have a little bit of attention.
i dont like it when i have to be th one.
to start us talking.
im not desperate for attention,i swear.
just, a little concern and attention.

recall,
when its over between us.
is there even A DAY you ask me if im oke?
if im coping well?
if i need a shoulder to cry on?
or even,
how are you?
hows life?
its not that im THAT desperate for attention.
and i know how euu feel after all this.
all those guilt and painn.
i dont findd you baddd.
there is a reason behind everything that happen.
but please.
you promised we will be 'teman mesra'
i hopedd on it.
just treat me like one.
(oke,you are,i guess. except for the cracking jokes and asking about me part and all those stuffs)


i just miss you.
you know that?

Sesat
Kehilangan
Kekeliruan
Bingung

mengapa ini semua terjadi?
di saat aku sangat memerlukan mu.
kau kabur.
di saat aku inginkan cinta yang hakiki
kau menghilangkan diri.
di saat aku jatuh
kau tinggalkan diri ini.

aku, kau biarkan,
tergapai di atas gelombang kehidupan yang
sentiasa kejam.

apa yang ku ingain kan daripada insan yang
serba kekurangan sperti diriku?

apabila kau datang ke dalam hidupku.
kau minta seluruh cintaku.
aku mengorbankan jiwa,raga and hatiku padamu.
hanya dikembalikan dengan kekecewaan dan keperitan.

kau datang kembali.
apabila hatiku telah ku ubati.
berjuta janji kau bisikkan.
tak terkira kasih sayang yang kau curah.
aku mula mempercayai niatmu.
sekali lagi.
aku berikan seluruh jiwa,raga dan cintaku.
tanpa aku sedari.
aku bakal terjumpa kepedihan dan kesedihan,
buat kali kedua.

kau keluar dari hatiku.
keluar dari ikatan cinta yang telah terikat.
tapi kau berjanji.
kau akan tetap berada di hatiku.
jiwaku.
MEMORI INDAH ku.

aku, lemah.
aku, daif.
aku, khilaf.

tidak bisa menempuhi liku-liku
hidup yang kejam sendirian.
tanpamu disisiku.

aku tidak bisa.
aku lemah.

aku sudah terbiasa...

um.
a few days ago i have a conversation with Marteeeeee. ;D
she was sweet.
she said things i heard before from him.

"when the time comes, you have to let go."
'but it hurts alot.'
"then you have to learn"
'what if i failed to get over it?'
"he is yr only love isnt he?"
'of course'
"then leave him."
'what? no. im so broken'
"if you love someone,let them go. if they come back, then. they're yours"
'if not?'
"move on,slowly."
'is it so?'
"trust me,babe. dont hurt yourself. i hate seeing you like this."

im going to start trying then.

im tireddddd.
i just came back from NPCC.
haha,like people wanna know.

i cried alot today.
tears of joy.
tears of real misery.
tears of dissapointment.

im getting real real sensitive these days.
and i dont like it.
because its so NOT me. D:

ohhhh!
before i forget.
THANKS ALOT! fr those people who took the trouble to buy gifts for me during this Valentines'
its so thoughtful of you.
you people are lovedddd! ;D

im gonna make something fr you guys.
well,maybe.
IF i feel like it. ;D
oke,i will.
if im not lazyyyy.

i got selected for SI interview.
its Station Inspector b t w.
a rank higher than Staff Sargent.
but have to go fr interview.
and i dont know when.
and Mdm Ng says something about taking out one of the sec 4s.
to be replaced by me i guess.
and i feel so super guilty.
as much as i want this rank so much(like a dream come true) i dont want to dissapoint people. and having to walk around with the feeling of guilt.
i dont like it.
somehow,its a reason why i cried.
i just dont know why.
JOY? because i used to keep this 'wish' in me fr so long and no one knows i want
this rank and now its coming true.
or GUILT or saddddd or i d k.
its just that suddenly its not a really good news to me.
w t h?
uhhhhh!

y'know.
im loving maths now!
like very very very muchh.
because i THINK mrs neo can teach quite well.
its just a matter if you want to listen to her and practise and do th homeworks
and ask her questions.
seriously.
all teachers are good.
its just a matter of th student.
i guess(?)
haha ;D

im coping quite well in school.
yeaaaa, i realised.
i have not yet slept in class since beginning of th year. ;D
and thats IS VERY GOOD progresss.
and im proud of myselffff. ;D

ohhhhh.
i got DATES tmr for Valentines'
shoot. i just realised.
today is Friday the 13th. ;D
slowww nyaaaaaaaaaa!

SO!

HAPPY FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!
HAPPY VALETINES DAY! (in advance)
HAPPY TOTAL DEFENCE DAY! (in advance)

ohhh.
and Mr. Shawal says, total defence day is a day to commemorate.
not celebrate ;D
haha.
still cant see any differences. D:

dang!
it really hurts.

Bisik ku pada bulan
Kembalikan temanku,
kekasihku, syurgaku
Tanpa dia malam menemaniku
Sepi memelukku

Bulan jangan biar siang
Biar malam ini kelam
Biar ia sepi sepertiku

-Sepi movie

the bengkel sajak somehow introduces me to this sajak.
its nice gilaaaa babatnyaaa :D

and the bengkel sajak somehow made me
love sajak until very very much.

my weeks to come.
its so gonna be jam packed with activities.
from monday all the way to sunday.
haha, like no time to sit and relax.

because its Sec four now and its 2009.
and i'll be sitting for O levels this year.
and this is veryvery important.
and i really baddddly wants to get to Tourism and Resort Management!
like reallyreallyreally badddddly. :D

today, its a great start for th week.
fr the first time, no monday blues. :D
there is,when i actually hear my alarm clock ringing
and i dont fell like waking up and hug my spongebob tightly to my face
to get back to sleep.
which is OF COURSE and OBVIOUSLY made impossible by my dearest sister.
who gets ready for school so superduper noisy gilaaaaa.
she kepps going in and out of the room.
and my room door makes this screeeeching sound and bam booom sound.
and she just keep the light on, and NEVER close th door back when she left for school.
uhhhh!
sisters, typical sisters.
haha, too bad la.
im a super light sleeper.
except for when im like super tiredddd then i snoreeee.
OH!
did i tell you my mum finds my so-called snoringg scary and unique(?)
or whatever she calls it.
she says it sounded like humming.
as in its high-pitched, like those pontianaks laughters.
like im singing in my sleep. :D
haha.
try sleeping next to me when im tiredd.
but when i am like superduper beat, i'll snore macam rock music. :D
ohhh, and i sleep walk.
why am i talking about sleeping anw?
oh yea.
i actually planned to go to sleeep and do my homeworks that are forever piling.
like i said to some.
"homework aku penuh satu gudang!"
but i cnt sleep.
and ended up Youtube-ingg and now blogging.
oh and edit some pictures PLUS do something to my facebook.
like um.
i d k.
upload two new pictures. :D
better than nothing kaaaaan?

im longing to talk for hours and hours on the phone with some random people.
its been a while since i did that.

ohhh!
something random,
just now during F&N lesson.
sofiaa talk about cat. :D
and her pet,hamsters.

she was like, " Bila kucing dia datang, very white you know. The paws and all. But after staying with me right, turns all black uhhh!" then after that. " At first right th cat come, (*puff her cheeks.)[she meant fat] but then right after a while, the cat *(did something with her cheeks to show it grown thinner) my cat slim down uhh."

haha and hilary heard it and sofia engage in a conversation with hilary.
sofia was talking about how to slim down.
and hilary went "go ask your cat uh!"
haha.
k,sounds funny when i heard it. :D
haha.
random sehh.

haha, i got a pile of homework to be doneee.
so better get going now! ;D

byeeeeeeeee.

usah ingkari kata hati.
terima kenyataannya.
bahawa,hanya namamu yang wujud dalam kamus cintaku.
dan hanya cinta mu yang terukir dalam coretan hatiku...

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams, take everything,
Just take it away
They can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
They can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last for ever
But it wasn't our destiny
'Cause in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
No I can believe that
I can still find the strength in the moments we made
I'm looking back on yesterday

um.
friday is a nice dayy! ;D
haha,enjoyed every single moment of celebrating Asyiqin's Sweet Sixteen.
its reallyreallyreally niceeeee.
and i baked for everyone.
its brownies,oke,the best i have ever madeee.
aside from my mudcake, which i kindda lost my touch and last year's mudcake was
pretty bitter.
at least i can still bake.
i'll bake more for euu people, IF i got th time aite?
haha.
i got my Staff Sargent rankkkk! :D
i was happy and at th same time doubtful(?)
i d k if that's th right wordd.
still, i get it and part of me thinks YES, i deserve it.
and another part of thinks, NO, i dont deserve it.
at least i know,i did my part for the unit.
and i DID contribute.
im not boasting.
why cant people just see me for what i have done for th unit.
even if its a little, i still did contribute.
why must they look past me and see my flaws. thereafter, judge me through my flaws.
no ones perfect right?

a n w.
yesterday.
me,nadhirah, azlin and hani went to NUS fr the Bengkel sajak.
we got LOST at first when we reach there.
haha, becausee first we missed the bus like two times?
then th paper say we have to alight the moment the bus turns to the left.
there was a left turn at first,which is just a bus stop away from the interchange,
nadhirah almost hit the bell.
but,nahhh.
it makes no sense because we might as well walk there.
so at the second left turn,we alight and walk ONE big round to the place.
=,=
seriously, its ONE big rounddddd.
we arrived slightly lateeee.
but still the wholeeee workshop is nice plus funn! :D
i had funnn.
after that we went to Clemanti to have lunch, Hani left us first.
then we decide to have lunch at this coffee shop. ;D
oke, we were super broke so makan macam economy gitu.
still our tummy are filled.
went home.
FINALLY, i manage to have a napp. ;D
and the rest of th night went on byyyyyyyy like thaat.

you told me to be nice to you.
and when i did, you seem like you want me away from you.
i hate it when you act like nothing has ever happen between us because it
hurts.
i tried my best to find reasons to hate you so i could get over you, but everything failed
because everytime i find a reason to hate there is a reason to not.
when you said we will be close friends, i dont feel like as if we are even friends.
i have always thought of you always sticking to your word, but now, you didnt.
and when you promised you will stay until i get back on my feet, you left me instead.
and i cant stand alone.
you used to be a big part of my life, at th very least stay in my life if not a big part at least a tiny part.
because i cant lose you completely.

that's what friends are for.

" it hurts to breathe."
"i will tell you that you will breathe again,without it hurting"
♥ GINNY&CALEB, Falling Through Darkness.

when the hearts still bleeding,
and the minds still questioning.
i cant find space to breathe for i cant even find myself.

firstly,
yes, im single now.
forget about having the NO. 1 man in my life.
now i am me myself and my NO.1 MAN
are my girlfriends and all the people who manage to make me smile
whatever the circumstances.
its long over and i really had expected it,k not.
though it comes without a warning and it hit me like some earthquake
and manage to break my heart into teeny tiny pieces, im bracing myself.
at least,well.
im still alive.
and thats good enough right?
im not gonna cry a thousand nights,
until i cry blood.
im not gonna hate him, nor myself.
or whoever and whatever.
im not gonna look like im dying on the inside.
im not gonna make it look like i've suffered too much.
those times are so long over.
its already bad enough i am now alone,well not literally,facing this heartbreaking catastrophe.
and bad enough i cried for a little while.
its not like i dont caree, its just that, life will feel different without him.
and i have O levels to worry about.
and im trying THAT harddd to shove this things awary.
this are part of distractions.
so, lets not make things worst now.
im moving on.
and im fine.(:
well,at least i think i am.
and boy,dont forget the 19 months,and me and memories of yesterday.

enough said.
life is NICE to me now.
very very nice.
did you know i manage to contact back ONE of my primary school friend.
or is it BEST FRIEND.
haha, Syairazi la(:
alaaa~
that guy la yang everywhere got me got him, haha.
sounds wrong.
well we used to be th same class, same CCA,(track and field k? not Red Cross, i have two CCAs back then) same group in some projectworks. haha.(:
friends mahhh(:
he like very nonsense la.
make joke like no ones business.
met him on saturaday anw.
time flagg dayy(:
haha, it was niceeeeeee that saturday.

like i said.
life has been NICE to me, this whole week.
well almost this whole week since today is wednesday. (:
eep!
CSI MIAMI later on!(:
haha, nonsense.
can 4D get any more funny by day?
haha, yesterday was a niceyniceynicenice dayyy.
during LiVE lesson,well most of us SHOULD remember what happen(:
"pasir nenek kebayaaan"
go figure.

oh yea.
Sunday was niceniceniceynicey too!
reminiscing with Amani and Fazleeeeeen!(:
primary school days.
zamanzaman kental dahulu kalaaaa.
talk over Instant Noodles, Slurpeee and Fann Choyy.
haha, nice la kaaaaaan? (:
kan fazleen kan?
kan amani?
haha, cari gaduh ngan bangla ehhh.
andand theres one convo and Fazleen just went.
"dont fight with one of his own kind"
haha, and theres burst and explosion of laughters.(:
and TER-spit of instant nooodles to fazleens feet+shoe.(:
ehh i like that wordddd.
EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTERS.
aahhhh~
:D

ohhh.
im addicted to this songggggggg.
Janji-janjimu by Aryl Suerylski.

Sejak ku mengenali mu,
Wajah mu selalu dimata ku,
Ku berikan sepenuh hati ku,
Kepada mu oh kekasih ku,
Tapi kau meninggalkan aku...

Kesepian malam ini,
Membuatku teringat kembali,
Memori indah kita bersama,
Tak mudah ku melupakannya,
Untuk selama-lamanya...

Kau pergi tanpa kata-kata,
Ku fikir hanya untuk seketika,
Rupanya kau meninggalkan ku,
Untuk selamanya...

Tak ingin ku melepaskan mu,
Kerna kau masih dihatiku,
Pulanglah wahai kekasih ku,
Jangan tinggal kan aku..


Sinaran dimata mu,
Dan alunan merdu suara mu,
Ku menantikan semua itu,
Datang kembali kepada ku,
Seperti dahulu..

Keresahan dihatiku,
Pabila memikirkan dirimu,
Kembalilah kepada diriku,
Sudi ku menerima mu,
Membina hidup baru...

Dimanakah setiamu,
Dimanakah janjimu,
Kau berjanji sehidup-semati,
Mengapa kini kau mungkiri,
Janji-janji mu kasih....

somehow, it suits me.
my situation now.
and somehow i want him to know this.
whatever message this song convey.
i just want him to know.
i dont know why.
but i swear, its not to make him feel baddd.(: